Reform UK’s Honest Bob makes a stand for the little people like him | John Crace

It fell to Robert Jenrick to announce his party’s plans to lift white British people from the bottom of the pile

N ow is not a good time to be a white Brit born in this country. Nigel Farage is clear about this. So much so that he wrote a 6,000 word Substack piece about it at the weekend. Or rather someone did. Possibly an intern who had been told to channel their inner Nige.

Or maybe, if Matt Goodwin was involved, ChatGPT helped out. “Write me an essay in the style of an even more deranged Rupert Lowe.” Don’t hold back. Go for it. The UK is unrecognisable. Foreigners everywhere. It’s time that black and disabled people started paying reparations to white people. For all the benefits they have taken off us.

No one has suffered more than Robert Jenrick . A man who has only ever wanted to do the right thing for his country. Apart from the times when he was actively doing bad things. Like making sure a Tory donor and pornographer was granted a previously denied planning permission with just hours to spare to avoid charges of £50m in the council’s community infrastructure levy. Nothing matters more than looking after your friends. Like painting over murals of cartoon characters in an asylum seeker reception centre for migrant children. It’s what they would have wanted.

Honest Bob. Always the victim. Take the Tory leadership election of 2024. He had been certain he would win. It had been obvious to him that he was by far the best candidate. But the vote had been rigged because Tory members had all been told to positively discriminate in favour of a black woman. It was now impossible for a white man to get on in the modern-day Conservative party.

Kemi Badenoch had been handed the job that should have been his. Enough was enough. Like Nige, he too thought the time had come to reassert white privilege. Just look at the world. Full of foreigners. Most of whom had come over to the UK. True Brits had been demoted to the bottom of the pile.

No more Mr Nice Guy for Honest Bob. He’d always been one to stand up for the little people. The oppressed. The people like him. For the countless confused, accused, misused, strung-out ones and worse. And for every hung-up person in the whole wide universe. And we gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing. Now he was Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen combined. The voice of protest. The fight back started here. Time to see more white faces in the boardrooms of the top FTSE 100 companies.

Nige has been so downtrodden that he too is now on benefits. Albeit ones handed out to him as a £5m gift from a Thai crypto-billionaire. And that’s before we get to the £1.4m second – or is it third? – home that he already owns. He too was the victim in all this. If he had been black then he would have been given at least £10m. And no one would have batted an eyelid. Because that’s what every black person is getting a week on universal credit. The discrimination is never ending. Which is why Nige has gone to ground.